I knew it! Here it is, only the second day of the brand new year, and someone is bragging about their weight loss! Damn. It just made me even more determined to try this new Elephant Diet! After all, the older you get, the more your choices start to narrow when it comes to moving the avalanche of gravity-strewn body parts back up to where it came from in the first place.
To begin this fantastic new program I suggest a few things. First, it will take some effort on the part of L&P because they are just not used to feeding the human. It is usually the other way around and if I get any points here, it could be that they eat well.
So now I have to have themeat measure out my food and ration it several times during the day to me in small helpings. And these helpings must be hidden throughout the house so that I have to use calories and exercise my brain in locating the hidden treats. That is, if they don't consume them first. There's always a risk in asking a canine to serve dinner.
Next up, I apparently have to jog around the compound several times a day. Hopefully that means we will be installing very cushy carpet because my feet will expire on wood floors rather quickly and since no one wears shoes in the house, that could be a problem.
My new diet will have to consist of an increased supply of hay. I really don't much look forward to that at all, but if it is mixed with a bit of herbs and garlic, I might be able to stand it for a little while. Great for the next rule, which is bring on the fiber. I think hay counts as a lot of fiber.
Next up, no more treats. I must skip the jelly beans, corn and bread. I must have been mistaken in thinking bread was a food group necessary to sustain life. Alas, I hear that one can live without bread. Jelly beans are ok to leave. At least they said nothing about chocolate, so I can still have my daily dose.
If I do this for a little while, I might lose like the elephants did. I think 11,000 pounds might be a little too much, but I would settle for a nice round 10,000. That would do.
I wonder, though, just how many glasses of water I would have to drink?
To begin this fantastic new program I suggest a few things. First, it will take some effort on the part of L&P because they are just not used to feeding the human. It is usually the other way around and if I get any points here, it could be that they eat well.
So now I have to have them
Next up, I apparently have to jog around the compound several times a day. Hopefully that means we will be installing very cushy carpet because my feet will expire on wood floors rather quickly and since no one wears shoes in the house, that could be a problem.
My new diet will have to consist of an increased supply of hay. I really don't much look forward to that at all, but if it is mixed with a bit of herbs and garlic, I might be able to stand it for a little while. Great for the next rule, which is bring on the fiber. I think hay counts as a lot of fiber.
Next up, no more treats. I must skip the jelly beans, corn and bread. I must have been mistaken in thinking bread was a food group necessary to sustain life. Alas, I hear that one can live without bread. Jelly beans are ok to leave. At least they said nothing about chocolate, so I can still have my daily dose.
If I do this for a little while, I might lose like the elephants did. I think 11,000 pounds might be a little too much, but I would settle for a nice round 10,000. That would do.
I wonder, though, just how many glasses of water I would have to drink?
Comments
It's not the glasses of water that's the problem, it's that you have to drink them through your nose.
I've done that before. Horrors.
I know, I know ... jellybeancornbread!!! Surely that & the water could buy you 9,000!!!
Man, I thought we had to eat like an elephant, and I thought, great, I like peanuts! This jogging around, hunting for food sounds like waaaaay too much work, though. Like all diets, it's disappointing.
Yeah, well, its been a day or so and I am here to tell you this diet sucks big time. Lulu and Phoebe need to be mailed to someone post haste the little buggers. Every time I give them my thimble of food to hide, they eat it!!!! Piggies. So consequently I have to hide it myself, snacking on it all the while I find a hiding place.
And then to top it off, I've been glued to this chair reading the ever odd OS boiler reads and forgot to walk around the paddock, so no exercise either!
And the hay delivery is delayed until 2011. Apparently they need it to cover the CA shortfall in the budget (you know, a bale of hay for every dollar....).
So I am just doomed to eating these awful brownies and stuff......
And I have yet to master the water through the nose. I am just not good at it.
I would settle for peanuts in my brownies, Lisa! Humm, that sounds pretty good to me.
And then to top it off, I've been glued to this chair reading the ever odd OS boiler reads and forgot to walk around the paddock, so no exercise either!
And the hay delivery is delayed until 2011. Apparently they need it to cover the CA shortfall in the budget (you know, a bale of hay for every dollar....).
So I am just doomed to eating these awful brownies and stuff......
And I have yet to master the water through the nose. I am just not good at it.
I would settle for peanuts in my brownies, Lisa! Humm, that sounds pretty good to me.
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